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it will always be right now

by eden

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1.
imy 02:25
my heart hurts for no reason tonight could you say something to make me feel alright stroke my hair, give me a kiss lay me down, touch my hips massage my swollen joints with care and love rub circles in my neck with your tongue or all of the above untie all of my knots stop looking at the clock say one thing to fix everything just text me back and be exactly what i need cause i miss you even though i dont know you yet i miss you despite all of the gaps in my knowledge of you im sure ill love it once its true but for now you're the angel in my mind being both my punishment and my crime the poison and the antidote the filled up belly and the hungry throat im sure when we meet... im sure when i meet you youll be oh so lovely and i miss you or whoever i think you'll be (to me)
2.
how cold is the balcony in just my socks and sweater spring came so fucking late this year i feel the spring to you, tardy and disappointing did i ever tell you our first kiss was one spring morning ooh, ooh the street lamps look so young, tall, and bright i envy their posture and narcoleptic light if i could be nocturnal and fine, i would i hate when you see my face the way i should ooh, ooh my thoughts are locked away from me darling i'd say i love you but we both know it's never me talking i try my best to be good but it's not in my control if i could give you anything you know i'd make you whole ooh, ooh
3.
im sorry 01:27
im sorry my songs aren't complex im sorry im teetering on the edge all the time of whatever im sorry i cried all last night im sorry that i bark and bite like a dog but in a striped sweater also did you know this thing isnt mine i stole it from a friend of mine she left it in my bedroom on new years and i never wanted to bring it up dear now i know its hard to see that im really trying i went to the gym twice this week at lunch i had a plate of berries and if you know me you know that's not me but i want it to be oh i want it to be oh i want it to be oh i want it to be oh i want it to be
4.
he kissed me like he could save me and i honestly thought he could maybe bring me back from the dead but he pushed me over the edge he whispered my ear "i want to love you until you can't breathe" i held my breath right then and there because i knew what that means we're gonna look forward cause im not going back we're gonna go forward but im not gonna forget no im not gonna forget no im not gonna forget no im not going to forget
5.
i see her on your phone i ask about it home and you don't say anything so i dont ask anything and i know you're talking on the side i can see through all your lies but you dont say anything so i dont ask anything and im crying after class cause i know and you come to comfort me but i know it seems the more insecure i get the more you slink away the more unravelled i become you talk to her anyway
6.
sunburn 02:41
im not gonna slouch anymore im not gonna fall on the floor i wont hold onto yesterday with bright white knuckles i'll leave my anxiety in the car with my seat buckle when i go out far i wont recall when i was subpar maybe i'll go out to the beach when i get to the coast maybe i'll go under the pier but probably just eat toast at home maybe ill wake up at nine am and drink some water and be like that maybe ill go for a walk but most likely just admire something else from afar like a looking glass or a bell jar ill write some shit, ill write some more im gonna try and process and forget it all ill try to forgive no one but me and myself who cares if one time i yelled who cares if one time i tripped and made the wrong face who cares if one time i was dumb or came to class late i shouldnt and no one else does i shouldnt and soon i wont at least i hope i hope eventually i wont be sad over the summer eventually i wont be such a goddamn bummer maybe ill find some friends maybe ill tie some loose ends turn over a new leaf die in my bed sheets who cares if yesterday was subpar today i will go out far to the grocery store
7.
8.
my head feels so heavy and light at the same time look at the lights outside how amazing would it be if i weren't me i was somebody else with a different family tree do songs have an expiration date could i maybe fly out to space hide the world behind my thumb fly out past the sun nothing is linear, dont you know the world is not the same as the globe i feel my heart falling down to my shoes i know that i would crush it if i moved i wish that i could laugh at everything but i dont know what im doing fuck
9.
i know im not that fun i know that no one wants to babysit me outside im gonna go blind sitting in the sunlight i'm holding my breath hoping i'll die no one will look me in the eye no one wants to help me what would they get out of it no one cares enough to deal with my fits i know im a burden i know it for certain theres nothing to gain out of being near me and i guess that's how it'll be you're all annoyed and angry and that's fine, i get it i just wish anyone would give it a second and love me but i dont know think i would see it
10.
you can be the big spoon and i'll be the little spoon you can buy me cigarettes and ill regret whatever i said the night before when i was kinda drunk and sitting by the door i haven't met you yet but i bet when i do i will forget all my inhibitions all my failed relationships all two of them that left me an untrusting mess i bet you'll laugh at all my jokes i bet we'll be two talkative blokes i bet you'll hold me when im buzzed and when we're at a party drunk and you'll notice im nervous from across the room and you'll hold my hand and we'll stand under the moon and you'll text me when you get anxious and i'll text you back when i get depressed and we'll fall asleep holding each other sometime and sometimes at three am i'll text you obscene thoughts from my head and we'll never get out of bed the next chance we get you can be the big spoon and i'll be the little spoon you can buy me cigarettes and ill regret whatever i said the night before when i was kinda buzzed and completely engulfed in how i adore you
11.
one more lie 03:00
it took me a second to see what was right in front of me it took me a long time to realize what was wrong and right and sometimes i want you to call me back and most of the time i know i wouldn't like that and i remember it all sometimes even though i'd rather leave it all behind its the type of thing that makes me cry my heart out its the type of thing that makes me scream and shout i really wish you would stop it all and rot sometimes i doubt whether last year was real or not maybe it was all a dream i'll wake up tomorrow and it will be the same you'll say that you love me you'll say you know i'd never do that to you right and i'll nod cause that's another lie but ill say yeah i love you too babe it feels so bad and wrong it feels like your favorite song i said that this feeling will go away and i'd be fine but it hasn't happened yet so i guess that was one more lie one more lie one more lie

about

this is a frankenstein of some songs i never released under my past stage name. new beginnings are good for the soul though, and these songs are still from my heart even if there are different titles and names slapped on them. i spent about a year and a half completely absent from music but i'm slowly getting back into it. to celebrate, this amalgamation has some of my latest songs and some of my older ones.

with love, eden

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released April 4, 2019

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eden Indianapolis, Indiana

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